Calling
by D-chan
Summary: Goku centric :: spoilers, NON shounen ai, violence, language :: In which the pull of the unknown is too strong to resist. [COMPLETE]
1. Prologue

**: Calling :**

_Gensomaden Saiyuki_

Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki. All rights go to Minekura Kazuya.

Rating: K

Warnings: Goku-centric, mild series spoilers

Notes: First off, there will be **absolutely no shounen ai** in this story. This is strictly a genfic; any hinting you guys want to see, that's fine. But this is not going to be romance in any way whatsoever. This is to focus on Goku. That is my priority.

Rating will also go up.

That said, enjoy. Constructive criticism and feedback is appreciated.

* * *

Prologue

She was so alone.

Darkness and despair were becoming inevitable. She had fought them for so long, but was now unable to hold back. Emptiness made Her core hollow.

This had never been Her intention. This was not why She had given him up.

Her melancholy was beginning to overtake Her duties. Her anger influenced others when it should not have. She was not in control of Herself; a concept that was dangerous to even contemplate. But what else was She supposed to do? She had never intended to be separated from him for so long. One of his lifetimes, at best, and that was all.

But the gods had interfered. They had crushed Her hope; soiled Her plans. And there was no way She could have fought back at the time. Death for him was something She had not even wanted to consider. If he had to die, She had wanted him to go peacefully and without pain.

But he was so different now. He had changed over time; was now willing to accept agony with death if it meant saving those he wanted to save. This difference made Her cry in despair many days, many nights, and sometimes for weeks on end.

It was all just another example of how She was affected.

No, She decided. She would not allow him to die grievously. She needed him, but would not allow him to hurt. She would kill him, but soothe him in the process. No one would interfere this time; he was with companions that should not care less. And even if they proved Her wrong, She was not without resources.

It was decided. She would retrieve him even if it cost the lives of all else She had to care for.

-

The sight was so rare, he couldn't help himself. Despite his master's obvious twitching – which he felt more than saw – Goku leaned over the front seat to get a good look at the bewilderment on Hakkai's face. Dark eyebrows were stitched in puzzled concern, the tiniest of frowns creasing his lips as he appeared to contemplate their situation.

Truly, this was an unusual picture.

"So let me get this straight," a certain redhead drawled from the backseat. Gojyo made no move to look at their driver's face, indicating he had somehow seen it before and didn't consider it of importance. "First off, you bought this map just last week."

"Correct," Hakkai said. His voice was slightly different than normal; slower, as though he were thinking particularly hard of how to reply.

"Second," Gojyo continued after the affirmation, "There are no signs of a mountain range on this map."

"Not for some time," their driver agreed.

Goku lowered his eyes to the unfolded paper in Hakkai's lap. He didn't know much about the keys displayed, but if he was guessing correctly, the white area was supposed to indicate flat land, and the green higher points. The blue lines seemed obvious; the black marks that smelled obviously of pen looked as though they had been added on after the map was bought. If Goku was indeed inferring properly, then there really were few mountain ranges in sight. Not that he believed Hakkai was lying, but it always helped to check himself.

A sudden chill shot down his spine; a familiar feeling whenever Sanzo was getting particularly annoyed with him. Goku quickly drew back. In front of him, Sanzo visibly relaxed.

"Okay," Gojyo was saying, waving his hand in a grand gesture. "Then how do you explain _that_?"

Goku followed the motion, and was again reminded of the enormous line of jagged rocks before them. They seemed to reach all the way to the heavens, disappearing into the clouds several thousand meters into the air. It certainly _did_ seem odd for something so obvious not to be marked.

"We were warned the map was not up to date," Sanzo said flatly from the front seat. A metallic _clink_ sounded, followed by a whiff of tobacco. Goku wrinkled his nose slightly, but said nothing.

"This is true," Hakkai conceded. "But it seems quite implausible that this map was made before the mountain was discovered, doesn't it?"

"So maybe it just popped up," Goku said without thinking.

His comment earned him a sound thump from an irritatingly familiar fist. "How stupid can you get?" Gojyo demanded.

Goku shoved the man's arm away. "Lay off! I was bein' serious!"

"That's why I asked," Gojyo sneered in return.

Goku bristled, but what Sanzo said surprised him enough to abandon any idea of continuing the argument.

"The idiot monkey actually may be right," the priest said grudgingly. Without taking his eyes off from a point in the distance, he continued. "The last town we stayed at was shaken by a violent earthquake a few weeks ago. Seems it was all the people could talk about."

Pleased that, for once, his idea had been praised (well, as much as it would be) rather than violently shot down as always, Goku shot Gojyo a smirk. The man returned it with a scoff, refusing to admit defeat.

"Well," Hakkai finally said, delicately folding the map. "Shall we take our chances plowing through without a hope of safe trails, or shall we drive around?"

"Through," said Sanzo automatically. "Around is more time we can't afford to waste."

Nobody had really expected the answer to be any different, so no protests came up. However, Gojyo had something to add. "Yeah, let's go through. I wanna get a closer look at Monkey Mountain."

From the name itself, Goku knew it was meant for him. He also knew it was unwise to rise to the bait, but he was scowling already. "What's that supposed t' mean?" he demanded.

The look Gojyo gave him was devilishly innocent. "Didn't you notice? The rocks look like a monkey's face. Must be your home," he added as an afterthought.

Despite himself, Goku looked again. He squinted, trying to see what Gojyo was talking about, but he couldn't understand it. He couldn't see anything but the jagged surfaces the mountain was made up of; exactly what it was supposed to be.

Besides, he thought as the jeep went into motion again. If anything, the formations looked more like a welcoming face. And as they drew closer, he couldn't help but get a satisfying sensation in the pit of his stomach.

It was almost as though he were being welcomed home.


	2. Chapter One

**: Calling :**

_Gensomaden__ Saiyuki_

Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki. All rights go to Minekura Kazuya.

Rating: T

Warnings: Goku-centric, language

Notes: _Remember_: there will be **absolutely no shounen ai** in this story. This is strictly a genfic; any hinting you guys want to see, that's fine. But this is not going to be romance in any way whatsoever. This is to focus on Goku. That is my priority.

In addition, this story is completed in advance. It is five chapters plus a prologue in length. However, updates may be sporadic, so the completion of this story isn't set in stone.

That said, enjoy. Constructive criticism and feedback is appreciated.

* * *

Chapter One

Because the mountain had no definitive paths, the traveling hellions had little choice but to simply find their way to the top, and then descend again. It made perfect sense, and the logic was as sound as it was going to get. That didn't mean Sanzo had to like it.

The bumpy and precarious landscape made traveling by jeep too difficult in some areas. Several times they had been forced to stop so Hakuryuu could change back into his natural form and perch atop Hakkai's shoulder. Many paths grew too narrow; many more stopped altogether and disappeared into brush and undergrowth. Sanzo had lost count of the number of times his robes had torn due to his being forced to thrash through the damn foliage. Still, it had been his choice to go over the mountain, so he held his tongue.

Unfortunately, that was not reason enough to shut up his other teammates.

"So how many days does this make it?" Gojyo muttered from the back of the group. "Three? Of us kicking through this crap, I mean."

It was an alarmingly dangerous struggle for Sanzo to remind himself that, yes, he still did need the half-breed to live, and no, a bullet between his eyes would not help matters any. (Well, Gojyo would finally be quiet, but then he'd have to deal with two other irritable companions. And he was _not_ about to test Hakkai's patience like that.)

"Please relax," he heard their driver say gently. "It should only be another week or two at this rate."

"_Only_, huh?"

As always, Goku had his own list of complaints to contribute. "When're we gonna stop?" he demanded. "I'm hungry. And my pants are wet."

"Piss in them or something?" Gojyo jeered, his tone portraying his irritability. Even teasing did not seem to be enough to alleviate their situation.

"Screw you!" Goku bristled at the question. "It's not my fault it rained all last night."

And that it had. Sanzo grimaced in remembrance, recalling how difficult it had been to find a dry place to rest. No caves had been nearby, even with all the rocks. At the time, they hadn't been close to one of the forests they had seen while approaching the mountain. A fire had been impossible to start. In the end, a cliff's edge had jutted out just enough to create a cramped space for sleeping. Unfortunately, by morning all of their supplies had been anywhere from damp to soaking wet.

Glancing back, Sanzo confirmed that at least none of his companions were better off than he. Had they been, his anger would have increased. As it was, he actually felt a bit better. If he had to suffer, at least he wasn't suffering alone. Though sometimes, he did wish he _was_ alone so he wouldn't have to go through so much stupidity, but that was a factor he could not help.

"Goku does have a point," said Hakkai. "We should pause to eat when we can."

Sanzo opened his mouth to say that they could wait until nightfall, before remembering that morning had consisted of a no-eating affair. As he was not in the mood to put up with Goku's whining, he grudgingly muttered his agreement.

-

Finding firewood was far from his favorite job. Nevertheless, Goku also knew he would be able to find the best wood—he had a sharper sense of smell, making it easier tell the difference between damp and burnable wood even before he picked anything up. Relying on anybody else would only prolong his lunch.

So it was with his stomach growling that he trampled deeper into the forest. As an unspoken rule, nobody ever went beyond shouting distance when forced to gather natural supplies. Goku adhered to the rule most of the time.

This was not one of those times.

He had picked up the scent of dry wood deep in the woods. The smell was faint, but undeniably there. It was entirely possible it was a whole tree – definitely not suitable for firewood – but he'd never know unless he checked. Besides, if he didn't check but the others somehow found out, he'd be ridiculed no matter what decision he made about it.

Honestly, adults were just so annoying sometimes. Well, except for Hakkai. But then, Hakkai was excused because he was pretty much the only one who stood up for Goku when the others ganged up on him.

Not that Goku needed any help, of course. He was perfectly capable of holding his own. Still, it was nice to have an ally sometimes.

He was surprised when the damp undergrowth suddenly gave way into a dry portion of the forest. Blinking, Goku wiped his hand on his jeans before crouching down to touch the earth. He sniffed. It was definitely dry, especially in comparison to the area he had just come from.

Strange. He knew such a weird thing should have alarmed him, but the sight of burnable wood was relief enough to forget about the oddity. Even better, there was an abundance of the brittle sticks; almost as though someone had dumped them here just for him to find. Whoever it was, if they existed, Goku thanked them earnestly in his mind.

His arms full, he hurried back to show the others his prize.

-

Even if the relief was only temporary, Gojyo was grateful for it. With the fire going and the food already in the process of being consumed, he had the leisure to remove his sodden boots and dry his feet near the welcoming flames. They were quite fortunate Goku had found so much wood—enough to cook food and still have some left over. Nobody seemed to have any qualms about using the abundant supply to warm themselves.

Of course, that didn't necessarily mean their lunch was peaceful. It was at first, really; a fact that surprised him, considering he had snatched a healthy portion of Goku's chicken without the boy noticing. That disturbed him, even if neither of his other companions found it odd. More than likely, they were just enjoying the silence.

Gojyo liked silence too; when it was called for, anyway. But this quality of quiescence was almost creepy.

He reached out to knock Goku upside the head, but paused at the expression on the boy's face. Golden eyes were glazed over, almost with a dreamy look. He appeared to be staring at a point in the distance, his jaw too slack to be considered normal. A glance downward told Gojyo more—that the apple in Goku's hand was only partially eaten, his arm hung limp, and is wrist lolled loosely off the limb. The fruit seemed to be barely held on to, as though Goku could drop it any second.

Mildly unnerved, Gojyo glanced toward the other two. Sanzo didn't appear to find anything strange, as he was busy trying to make his lighter work. And if Hakkai noticed, it did not concern him. He merely proceeded to finish his meal, obliging Hakuryuu's hungry whimpers.

Finally, Gojyo followed Goku's gaze to the nearby river. The current raged, beating against various large rocks in its path. White rapids swept against the banks in their frantic hurry, as though something precious and life changing waited around the bend.

"Oi, Goku." When he received no answer, Gojyo frowned and settled for the blunt approach—by giving the boy a sharp smack upside the head. His fingers connected with metal in a briefly stinging contact, but the strike accomplished what he'd wanted.

"Ow!" Goku yelped, jerking to the side in his surprise. His half-eaten apple fell to the dirt with an audible thump. The brunette looked down, and then back up with an animalistic growl. "What was what for?" Then, glancing down again, he suddenly realized something else was wrong. "Gojyo, gimme back my chicken!"

Holding his hands up with false innocence, Gojyo said, "Don't have it."

"Yes you do, you lying _kappa_!"

Gojyo smirked, grateful for a familiar routine. "It's hard to _have_ something when I've already _eaten_ it."

Goku blinked as the meaning slowly dawned on him. Then he exploded from his seat, tackling the half-breed head on. "Damn it!"

A scuffle broke out, for once going uninterrupted by Sanzo and his threats. Hakkai, of course, was prone to humor them more often than not. For once this turned out to be unfortunate; both Gojyo and Goku muddied their near-dry clothes. Since the boy appeared to be acting normal again, Gojyo didn't give his earlier strangeness a second thought.

The fight ended when they grew bored, which was fairly quickly. With lunch finished, it was decided they would pack up and immediately resume their trip.

It wasn't until he kicked dirt into the fire that Gojyo felt something was amiss. The feeling was the same as earlier, even amplified a little. Instinctively, he looked for Goku. The dry sticks lay in a heap just a yard away from where Gojyo stood. It had been Goku's job to transfer those to the jeep, in case they were unable to find more later on. Sanzo and Hakkai were taking care of their own bags, and soon Gojyo and Goku were to follow.

Then, remembering the object of Goku's earlier fascination, Gojyo turned his head to the river. There stood the brunette, his back to the others. Seeing his face was impossible from this angle, but Gojyo could imagine it—dazed, lax, and serene. Unnatural; not like Goku at all.

Without warning, the boy broke into a run, hurtling straight for the raging river.

-

Sparkling, clear, and clean. The river was so beautiful, so innocently tempting. Just seconds ago Goku had felt cold, but now the air seemed pleasantly warm. Taking a swim sounded like a good idea. And with a perfectly calm river right nearby, why should he refuse?

Gojyo broke his trance by hitting him, which inevitably resulted in a brief fight. Even so, that took energy, and Goku's throat was dry with thirst. A drink and a swim before they left, he decided. There was nothing wrong with that. Even a short dip would be just refreshing enough.

He dimly heard Hakkai giving him instructions, but hardly paid attention. He was aware enough to gather the brittle sticks beside the fire, but the river kept drawing his attention. It looked so inviting...

Slowly, he set down what was in his arms. The pull of the water was insistent but not demanding; gentle, hypnotizing, like a siren-call. He knew what that was; Goku was an avid listener of stories.

Just a little swim. Just a quick dunk under the blessedly cool water, and that was all. Nobody would get mad at him for that; not with how warm it was outside. The sun was gleaming so invitingly on the water; he was half tempted to ask the others to join him. He banished the notion dreamily. No, that would not be wise. They would only stop him, and that wasn't fair at all. He had to have fun, too.

The sky was so clear above him, he dimly noted. Clear and bright, smiling at him in a friendly manner. It was a gregarious day. He shouldn't waste another second.

Knowing he could be stopped if he didn't act soon, Goku decided. He exploded in a sudden run, forgetting about his clothes, forgetting about the heavy boots that could drag him under if he went too deep, even forgetting that just seconds ago, the day had been cold and dreary.

Dimly, he heard a shout. But the water was so close, close enough for him to just leap and land in the water. It wasn't just a pull now; it was a _need_, as though he would shrivel up and waste away, dying a dry death if he didn't hurry, hurry, _hurry and get in_—

A hard weight crashed into his side, forcing him off balance. Goku hit the ground with a strangled cry of disbelief and agony. Something deep within his soul lurched, wrenching in desperation. He screamed again, though this time without understanding why. It just suddenly burned, feeling a sensation that had filled him moments ago to just not _be_ there...

A sharp-knuckled fist crashed into his face. Goku's head jerked; he gasped and clenched his eyes shut, waiting for the pain that would tear his entire body apart. He could already hear the roaring in his ears, the snarl of water pounding furiously against rocks and earth.

Perplexed by the realization, Goku finally opened his eyes. The first thing he noticed was Gojyo leaning over him, his chest rising and falling too quickly to be normal, eyes narrowed in almost frightened skepticism.

"What the _hell_ is wrong with you?" the man demanded.

Goku could only stare stupidly. "Huh?"

Wordless, obviously frustrated, Gojyo gestured out violently to Goku's left. The brunette pushed himself up to see better, cringing at the pain in his ribs – _Damn it, Gojyo,_ – before he followed the movement. What he saw utterly baffled him, and it took him a good few moments of staring to assure himself that what he saw was real.

"Are you trying to kill yourself or what?" Gojyo hissed.

Shaking his head, Goku was at a loss for words. He wanted to explain, to point out that the day had just been warm, that he had been thirsty, that the river had been so calm just seconds ago... but without saying anything, he knew Gojyo would think he was crazy. He'd smack him on the head, call him an idiot, tell him to stop messing around and get back to work. Gojyo wouldn't believe him. Hell, Goku doubted even Hakkai would be inclined to humor him so much.

At last, he mumbled, "Sorry."

From the corner of his eye, he saw the half-breed shake his head; out of exasperation, annoyance, or anger, Goku did not know. At the same time, he noticed Hakkai approaching.

"Are you two all right?" the man asked, his eyebrows stitched in concern. "What on earth are you doing?"

Goku opened his mouth, struggling to think of an excuse. When he couldn't, he closed it, shrugging helplessly. That only made Hakkai's frown deepen, but it was alleviated at what Gojyo said next.

"Just pickin' on the monkey," the man said airily, getting back to his feet. "Legs can stiffen up after all that walking. You think you or His Holiness would bother helping us work out?"

Relieved, though now even more confused, Goku just nodded emphatically in agreement. He smiled in what he hoped was a lighthearted manner. He didn't want Hakkai to ask questions—especially not when he didn't know the answers himself.

Still dubious but seeming agreeable just the same, Hakkai shook his head with a wry smile. "I suppose you're right. But Goku, are you...?"

Nodding as Hakkai began to let the question trail off, the boy stood. Thanks to Gojyo crashing into him, his side hurt, but it was nothing worse than what other opponents had ever done to him. "I'm fine," he insisted, shooting a glare at Gojyo. "He's just a stupid cockroach."

Rolling his eyes, the redhead dusted his mud-streaked pants. "Whatever, monkey. Better hurry before Sanzo decides to beat on you."

Remembering the sticks he had left behind – that were now, likely, getting wet – Goku's eyes widened as he scrambled off to finish what he had started. Something tugged at his insides again, trying to steer him back, but he shook it off and ignored it. Whatever had happened had not been natural. And despite his first impression of the mountain, Goku had to admit that he was beginning to get a little scared.

Just a little, of course.

-

Politely, Hakkai waited until their younger companion was out of earshot. Once he was, he turned back to Gojyo. Their hastily concocted story didn't fit what had happened at all; especially considering Hakkai had looked up in time to see Goku running. He had noticed the panic flashing across Gojyo's face before he had tackled the boy to the ground.

He would press, but only a little. "What really happened, Gojyo?"

The man blinked, staring at Hakkai with his best poker face. "Happened?" he repeated coolly. "We were rough-housing. That's all."

It was a blatant lie, and they both knew it. Still, Hakkai knew better than to pry too much—and besides, he trusted Gojyo's judgment in these matters. If he and Goku were really all right, then they were.

Probably.

"If you say so." Hakkai was doubtful of whether or not he should inquire further. But as lax as he seemed, even Gojyo had his limits.

The other man didn't reply right away, his eyes fixated in the direction Goku had gone. Hakkai trailed his gaze, watching their current object of interest. The boy seemed to be fine; he was even arguing with Sanzo over something or another. It was as though nothing had happened. It would be so easy to shrug the incident off, but from experience, Hakkai knew that was far from a wise thing to do.

"Yeah," Gojyo finally said, his voice unnaturally quiet. "I do."


	3. Chapter Two

**: Calling :**

_Gensomaden__ Saiyuki_

Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki. All rights go to Minekura Kazuya.

Rating: T

Warnings: Goku-centric, language, violence, suspense

Notes: This chapter would have to be my favorite of the entire story. Therfore? Constructive criticism and feedback are appreciated more than ever.

In addition, many thanks for the reviews/C&C so far. They, too, are greatly appreciated.

* * *

Chapter Two

The moon rose on two more nights of relatively peaceful travel. The closer the traveling entourage grew to the pinnacle of the mountain, the more Goku found himself entranced with the dimly glowing orb. He dimly recalled hearing – probably from Hakkai – that the moon's light was merely a reflection of the sun. If it truly had come from Hakkai, then it was likely a fact. Still, he couldn't help but think that the moon had a life of its own—almost like he did, with a steady pulse and capacity for a wide array of emotions. Its glow was white, with a tinge of gray, but white nevertheless. He had also heard (this time _definitely_ from Hakkai) that white was a mixture of all colors combined. Somehow that seemed odd – after all, when mixing paints, didn't they always turn brown or black? – but again, if it came from that particular source, it was most likely fact.

When the moon was painted high in the sky, Goku found himself most inclined to watch it. Somehow or another, he found himself crouching on his knees both times resting his hands on his thighs; he would tilt his head back, gaze focusing on the seemingly unremarkable circle. Something deep within him stirred; something settled at the core of his being. He didn't fully understand it, or what it meant, but he did recognize the faint feeling of déjà vu. The setting was most likely different; everything was different, since he was older than he had been before he lost his memories. Wherever the déjà vu came from, it was more than likely burrowed within the void before his thoughts began.

Both times he had fallen asleep where he had sat. Once he had found himself curled up on his side, the other he wasn't entirely sure since Gojyo had kicked him to wake him up. Just that morning Hakkai had gently rebuked him for sleeping in the dirt; now his clothes were in worse condition and his face was streaked. Goku hadn't cared, and voiced this, which had earned him a laugh from Hakkai and an exasperated look from Sanzo.

As the day drew to a close, Goku began to fidget again. He anxiously tilted his head back to the sky, squinting to block out the sun from the underside of his eyes. Bare wisps of clouds streaked overhead, idly reminding him of how smoke looked when it coiled out from the end of Sanzo and Gojyo's cigarettes.

The further the sun set, the more profusely the heavens bled. Crimson stained the canvas, refusing to just yet give way to the darkness which would permit stars to shine through pinpricks of the paper. When he righted his head and looked over his shoulder to the east, Goku was disappointed to see the moon had yet to wake.

His sensitive ears caught an audible _click_. Turning around, the boy noticed that Hakkai had turned the front lights on. It wasn't yet dark enough to require them, but he knew the man was taking no chances; not where they were currently perched.

The group drove along a precarious ridge; the path narrow, but not so narrow as to require them to walk. Still, one heavy shift of the vehicle would more than likely toss them all over the side. That was something none of them were eager to risk—especially considering the endless drop. Goku had dared to lean over just enough, and he had noticed that it was impossible for even his sharp eyes to locate a definite ending. Such a fall could definitely be fatal.

Gojyo spoke, startling him. "Don't tell me we're going to have to camp here," the half-breed muttered in disgust.

Managing to sound both soothing and rebuking – as only he could do – Hakkai replied, "It wasn't my intention."

Goku wanted to smirk, to tease Gojyo as the man immediately shut up, but he held his tongue. Not only would such a jab ignite a fight that would possibly turn physical; Sanzo would also yell. He hated it when Sanzo yelled, even if he did deserve it most of the time. So, with great reluctance, Goku said nothing.

He wanted to see the moon again, yet at the same time was beginning to feel drowsy. Trekking through the mountain had thus far not been an easy task at all. No further unusual incidents happened since the river (thankfully, he thought) but that didn't mean Sanzo was any less prone to his bouts of irritation, or that Gojyo would lay off on him for once, or that the group would stop to rest when stubborn determination that strangely persisted in the form of Sanzo kept driving them onward.

Stifling a yawn, Goku nestled his head against the crook of his elbow. His skin was warm after the sun had beat down on it all day, though the air was quickly cooling. Attempting to ignore his outer surroundings, the boy closed his eyes and relaxed, allowing the sleepiness to lull him into drifting down the river of dreams. Only they weren't quite dreams, because he was aware that he was dreaming, and he knew he could do whatever he wanted despite the laws of physics. So, Goku decided he would fly.

-

The first thing Hakkai noticed was that the back of the jeep had grown unusually quiet. While he had no doubt Goku and Gojyo were acting better-behaved than they were used to, due to the ridge, this sort of silence was a tad unsettling. At this point, Goku was prone to start asking about where and when they were going to stop, what dinner would consist of, and complain that he did not want to sleep within the vicinity of Gojyo's feet again. All in the boy's own words, of course.

Then it was more of the shifting behind him than the glimpse of movement in the review mirror that caught his attention. Eyes flickering over his shoulder, Hakkai was both bewildered and – admittedly – mildly irritated to see Goku had stood up.

Managing to contain himself, he said gently, "Goku, please sit down."

"Yeah, monkey. You'll fall," Gojyo taunted. When no immediate reply came, not even a twitch, two pairs of eyes caught in a brief exchange of concern in the mirror's reflection.

Their words had caught Sanzo's attention. In his peripheral vision, Hakkai saw the priest turn slightly on his seat, a half-finished cigarette caught between taut lips as he appeared to scrutinize his charge.

"Quit being a brat and sit down, you idiot monkey," said Sanzo flatly.

Out of instinct, Hakkai's foot let up on the gas. The jeep slowed a few kilometers, but did not stop entirely. Gravel crunching beneath the tires was easier to hear without the louder roar of the engine. Much to Hakkai's puzzlement, he thought of the sounds of various bones breaking. It wasn't too unlike the makeshift road beneath them now.

Goku's lack of response was far more frightening than if he had said anything. At least words would have portrayed someone was present, even something, but the youth said nothing. Hakkai's grip tightened on the wheel. He did not look back. His eyes were on the road.

Not a second later, the vehicle creaked and gave a too-violent jolt. Hakkai slammed the brakes, apologizing to Hakuryuu profusely in his mind, but was unable to voice his apology. All he could realize was Gojyo's loud curse, Sanzo's eyes widening in an unreadable expression, and that when he looked over wildly, Goku was soaring over the ridge, over the chasm, into oblivion for a brief second of wild beauty.

Then he dropped, and Hakkai shouted his name.

-

There was everything, and there was nothing. A yearning call filled him, grasping the core of his being and drawing it close with sisterly affection—or perhaps, more accurately, motherly. Dazedly, Goku wondered why such a presence would make itself apparent in his dreams. He stretched his arms out wide, as though inviting the presence to embrace him just as a mother should. He wanted to welcome it, to erase the aching sadness that seemed to weigh down on his own soul.

Dreamily, he thought that his right arm felt odd; almost as though someone were pinching him in thirty different places all at the same time. All he could think was, _Damn it, Gojyo..._

He was literally jolted out of his dream as the entire side of his body slammed into the side of the ravine, his arm caught in a long chain, his entire body dangling by just the one limb. Stunned, Goku shook his head. Something wet and warm trickled down the side of his face. He looked down, saw an endless, dark sea of nothing, and immediately screamed.

"You damn idiot!" he heard Gojyo yell above him. The man's voice was strained, as though he were carrying a heavy load. Then it all clicked in Goku's mind; the triangle between his arm, the chain, and Gojyo's tone. The crescent blade of the _shakujyo_ dangled dangerously close to his side. Uttering a frantic curse of his own, Goku grasped the chain available to him and planted his foot on the side of the ravine.

"You..." Gojyo let out another, much stronger obscenity. "Climb up the side, damn it!"

And Goku would have retorted, would have done just that anyway, would have regained his balance, had it not been for the ominous cracking sound to his right. Without looking he knew, and even when he did look, sight did not change a thing. The path behind the jeep began to give way, and it threatened to take the rest of the group with it.

-

If they lived through this – though really, it was more a matter of _when_, because he had no intentions of dying in such a stupid manner – Sanzo was going to kill someone. Who, he didn't know; Gojyo was always a perfect candidate, though Hakkai would be furious with him. If that was the case, however, he could just off the man-turned-demon and be rid of that annoyance. But that would leave him with Goku, alone, and the brat would whine incessantly, ceaselessly, tirelessly annoying. And if he shot Goku, who would be left to fight Gyuumaoh? Sanzo had no fears of taking on the demonic force in Tenjiku, but he had no doubt the very effort would kill him before he could accomplish a damn thing.

These inanities passed through his mind in the same instant it took for him to act. Gojyo was straining to keep Goku where he was; the image uncomfortably familiar, as Sanzo recalled a certain incident where he had, more or less, been in Goku's place. Hakkai, too, had noticed what was happening to the path behind him, but was clearly unsure of what to do. It was times like these that made Sanzo the unofficial leader of the group. And he hated it.

Without even having to think of it, the priest raised his voice to be heard over the crumbling. "Goku, get ready to run. Hakkai," he continued, turning his gaze on the man coldly. "Drive."

There was no time for questions, only simple actions. Without waiting to be told twice, Hakkai threw the vehicle back into gear, pressing down on the gas pedal. The jeep bounced precariously as it all but flew along the path; proving dangerous for both Goku and Gojyo. The half-breed was slipping, swearing violently even as his eyes widened to the point the irises were nothing but the tiniest of dots in the midst of white. From his position, Sanzo couldn't see his charge, but he could perfectly well hear the bumps and loud cries as the boy seemed to struggle with his job. Undoubtedly, running along the side of a cliff had to be difficult, but it was either that or die.

And damn it, Sanzo was _not_ going to let Goku die before he could kill Gojyo. At least he knew how to deal with whining; it was Gojyo's lecherous and unnecessary commentary that he couldn't quite get used to.

The crumbling grew to an almost deafening, endless cracking sound. Sanzo was half-turned in his seat now, barely able to see the path behind them fall to pieces just before they rounded the side of the ridge. Still, no matter how much faster they went, the land seemed determined to catch up with them.

"_Hell...!_" Gojyo swore just behind him. The muscles of his arms bulged, forcing blue veins to become prominent in his struggle. His feet were planted against the side of the vehicle, his back half on the floor of the jeep; it was the only way he could hold on and not go over the edge with Goku. But with their speed, and Goku's weight, it didn't seem that was going to be much of a help for long.

Sanzo hated getting his hands dirty. Nevertheless, he threw himself into the battle anyway, grasping the chain and giving a firm yank. He knew his strength was nothing compared to Gojyo's, but it seemed to be just enough. Neither man looked at the other. Both were too busy struggling just to keep a hold of Goku. This was all they could do on their end; on Goku's, all anyone could do was fervently and silently tell him not to let go.

_Little bastard,_ thought Sanzo furiously. He hated him. How he had ever been saddled with such a crazy, annoying, nerve-grating brat, he would never know. Karma definitely was not on his side, either then or now.

The air was hot, even though the evening was rapidly falling to night. Sanzo couldn't even see the chain anymore, except where it curved sharply over the side of the jeep, barely reflecting the headlights. Sweat dampened his temples, the sides of his face, his back; the underside of his knees and elbows felt especially uncomfortable, hot and sticky. His palms were frighteningly dry, though he knew that would not last. Soon enough perspiration would come forth, his hands would slip, Gojyo would tire, and Goku's earlier fall would be complete.

When Hakkai abruptly slowed, Sanzo almost cursed. He changed his mind when, on instinct, he looked up and realized they had left the narrow path. The ridge was still there, but the land was broader, reaching out into a cluster of trees just beyond the reach of the headlights. Sanzo's relief was immediately numbed; they had not entirely won yet.

Pulling Goku up was far easier with three of them working rather than just one, as Sanzo and Gojyo had had to deal with once before. However, all were exhausted by the end, none more so than Goku. With the jeep's headlights facing away at a perpendicular angle, all the man noticed was a gleam of a bronze coronet, and the slightly fainter glimmer of wide golden eyes. The boy's chest was heaving; he collapsed to his back the instant he was on safe ground. His arms glistened faintly with sweat. Something different trickled down the side of the boy's face, as well as down one darkly bruised arm.

Nobody said anything as Hakkai set to tending Goku's wounds. After that he checked Gojyo, whose arm bore similar marks to Goku's, though not quite as grievous. Sanzo refused to be touched. Throughout the entire process not a word was exchanged. Silence reigned over the group, and it was all they could do to simply pull out a few blankets, find a dry place to lie down, and fall asleep.

-

He woke to pain in his limbs, a dry mouth, and the worst kind of throbbing in his head and abdomen. Groaning, Goku wanted nothing more than to burrow deeper into his blanket, to rest at least until his headache left.

He was not granted that reprieve as the first thing he felt was a hand on his shoulder. Gentle but firm, it could only have been Hakkai. Weary, Goku forced his eyes open against the glow of the rising sun. For once, he was not happy to see it.

"Can you sit up? Have a drink," Hakkai said, even as he helped steady Goku into a proper sitting position. A canteen was pressed into the boy's hands, already open. He drank greedily, though had enough sense to stop before the water was half emptied. The water helped; his mouth was moist again, and some of the pain in his stomach had eased a little.

"Thanks, Hakkai."

In response, the man shook his head. An expression of sheer disbelief underlay the concern in his eyes. "What on earth happened?"

"That's what _I'd_ like to know," a new voice cut in; harsh and angry, but without coldness. Goku flinched, but lifted his head to look Gojyo in the eye. The half-breed was smoking mad, even without a single cigarette in hand. "Or rather, I'd like to know what the _hell_ you were thinking!"

"I thought I was dreaming," Goku shot back unthinkingly.

It proved to be the wrong thing to say. Gojyo's eyes widened, first in surprise, then narrowed as scorn filled them. "_Dreaming_, huh? Tell me, monkey, what exactly do you do in your dreams? _Fly?_ Because it sure as hell didn't work, did it!"

"Lay off!" Despite his sore and tired body, Goku shoved the blanket out of his lap. His clothes were rumpled, dirty, torn, and even bloodstained, but he hardly noticed over the throbbing in his temples and the angry sense of injustice in his chest. "I'm sorry, okay?"

"How the hell does 'sorry' cut it?" demanded Gojyo. "You nearly got us killed. Screw that, you nearly killed _yourself_!"

For a moment, it had seemed as though Hakkai was going to speak. From the look on his face, Goku would have guessed it would have been in his favor. However, after Gojyo's final utterance, the man's mouth closed again. Hurt stung Goku briefly.

Then the meaning of Gojyo's words sank in—or rather, the meaning of his word choice. He was shouting, yes, and was clearly furious. He had every right to be; in acting to save Goku's life – again, no less – he had hurt himself a great deal. Flushing slightly in shame, the boy lowered his eyes to Gojyo's bandaged arm. The man must have noticed, because he immediately turned at an angle so the wounded limb would be hidden.

Annoyed, Gojyo said, "You're more trouble than you're worth."

Goku said nothing. Instead, he looked for Sanzo, realizing his master had not once spoken up to add his rebukes and harsh opinions. He found the man, but Sanzo didn't even appear to have any interest in their conversation. He did, however, have a deeper crease between his eyebrows, his mouth set in a cold hardness around a burning cigarette.

Their eyes met briefly, before Sanzo looked to the others and flatly told them to pack up; that they were leaving. Yet in that instant, Goku had seen more than he had wanted to. Sanzo knew; he believed what the others did. He was angry, confused; unable to understand why Goku would want to kill himself. And try as he might, Goku couldn't think of a good argument to defend his position. He most definitely did _not_ want to die, but how could he prove it? It was his words against his actions.

Worse still, Sanzo's refusal to voice a single one of his thoughts hurt. It cut through him like the rock had cut through his temple as he'd crashed into the ridge; quickly and efficiently, not enough to kill, but enough to deepen the wound from pain to agony.

His arms and legs sore, chest aching, and head thumping relentlessly, Goku folded his blanket and dropped it into the back of the jeep. He did not mention breakfast, and nobody suggested it. They were on the move within minutes, and despite the jolting of the vehicle, he fell asleep curled up against his blanket again. This time, when he dreamt, he was too afraid to fly.


	4. Chapter Three

**: Calling :**

_Gensomaden Saiyuki_

Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki. All rights go to Minekura Kazuya.

Rating: T

Warnings: Goku-centric, language, bizarreness

Notes: Thank you for the reviews thus far. Constructive criticism and feedback are still appreciated.

* * *

Chapter Three

They were being too obviously protective, and they knew it. Of the four of them, Goku was the one who least appreciated being looked after like a child. Likely, this was because he wanted to badly to be treated like an adult that anything perceived as otherwise was taken badly. So when it was casually arranged for someone to be within arm's reach of the boy at just about all times, Hakkai had not missed the flash of resentment in Goku's eyes. He actually felt terrible about it—he knew of the brunette's exasperation very well and normally tried to treat him more like an adult.

But had the situation not grown so worrisome, these measures wouldn't have been taken. Hakkai could only smile, nod, and hope Goku would understand someday. Thankfully, the boy seemed to comprehend to some degree, because he didn't verbally argue any more against certain decisions than usual.

When taking away his nighttime watch, the golden eyes had flashed dangerously, but still nothing had been said against it. After the proposal, Hakkai's gaze had been drawn toward Sanzo. The priest had caught the look, glared back, but his expression was otherwise unreadable.

This could only mean that the situation was disturbing him greatly.

Hakkai waited until he was roused from slumber in the darkest hour of the night. The moon was absent for the first time in many weeks, in a cycle that, once before, he had been able to predict with ease. Life on the road made such predictions harder to calculate, since one day seemed to bleed into another with ease. Or, alternately, a single day could drag on and seem like three had gone by at sunset.

Gojyo's expression was carefully guarded; easily seen since no clouds touched the sky, and the stars were bright.

"Your turn," he said simply.

"Gojyo." The whisper caught the man's attention, though it didn't appear that way. Gojyo was half turned away from him, thumbing the lighter as the flint clicked faintly. "What were you and Goku really doing?"

From the quality of the silence that followed, Hakkai knew it was unnecessary for him to clarify. A quick glance at their sleeping companions' silhouettes decided him. He pushed his blanket down to his knees before standing, walking a couple yards from the designated sleeping area. Gojyo followed suit without question.

"Craziest shit I've seen in a long time," Gojyo finally said while flicking ashes from the end of his cigarette. Hakkai dimly noted the slight move of the wrist that allowed the action; subtle but effective. It was almost unlike Gojyo. "He was just... staring. And had the weirdest look on his face."

When he didn't go on, Hakkai said nothing to prod him onward. Had it been anyone else, he would have, but it was unnecessary with Gojyo. The man would continue when he was good and ready; there were few barriers between the two, and so the extra urging would have been wasted.

"Then he just ran. Right to the damn thing, like he was ready to leap in."

The river, Hakkai knew without having to ask. He nodded.

Gojyo paused to take a drag, and did not speak again until he had emptied the excess smoke from his lungs. "So I tackled him. Brat gave a look like he'd just woken up..." His voice trailed off, not in remembrance; something closer to muffled astonishment. And Hakkai knew why.

"Like he was in a trance, perhaps," he said softly. "Or—"

"Dreaming," Gojyo finished for him.

Contemplative silence settled about them, shrouding the two in a thick, invisible cloak. Nothing more was to be said, yet everything was conversed in wordless conversation. Eye contact wasn't even required; merely simple understanding—the bond that had long ago formed and was still growing in its complexities between them.

When the smell of nicotine died and Gojyo stood to retire, Hakkai murmured, "Pleasant dreams."

The man hesitated where he stood. Then, in a tone that was wry and solemn at the same time, Gojyo replied.

"I think I'll pass on that tonight."

-

Suffocating. He couldn't breathe because his throat was obstructed with something yet nothing at the same time; only air passed through, but it was not making it to his lungs all the same. Of course, his first reaction was to scream, but he couldn't inhale to do that, nor exhale to force the sound out. He was trapped, left clawing at the air, at the ground, getting dirt under his fingernails. He continued to tear at the soil, as though digging his own grave.

Throughout it all he heard shouting—Gojyo. He also heard worried cries—Hakkai. But loudest and most frightening of all was the silence—Sanzo. His savior made no sound to show he was concerned; didn't even give him the relief of looking him in the eye. His bangs obscured his face, throwing soft but demonic shadows over his features.

Goku woke breathless, drenched in a cold sweat, and acutely aware of cold eyes staring down at him.

-

Moving to help was completely out-of-character for him. In fact, he had barely even twitched at first. Sanzo didn't know what to think; he had tried to _stop_ thinking ever since the scene at the ravine. At the very least, he didn't want to think about what had happened—to remember, to fully grasp a situation that was still entirely alien to him.

Just days ago, if anyone had asked him who amongst the traveling entourage would be most likely to attempt suicide, Sanzo would have flat-out said anyone but Goku. Or rather, he would have told them off, to mind their own business, but inwardly that was the answer he would have acknowledged. While at times it was annoying, Goku's exuberance and love of life was obvious—and, on rare occasions, contagious. Many a time, Sanzo had caught himself reveling in a simple pleasure, something he had never done in the time period between his master's passing and discovering the wild animal at the top of Mount Gogyo. Never would he admit to these instances, but he still reluctantly acknowledged them.

Seeing Goku leap straight off had struck terror in him in a way Sanzo had not realized was possible. In his mind's eye, he could still see the image: the lanky, outstretched arms attempting to be makeshift wings, the mussed hair flying wildly for an instance before the plummet; he could even hear the faint rustle of cloth caught in a rough wind. Had the act been committed by anyone else, it may have been considered frighteningly symbolic. It may have seemed to be a hidden message, something underlying the persona that had never had a chance to shine forth until that deadly moment.

Coming from Goku, however... it was simply baffling. There was no underlying hint; nothing that had ever caught Sanzo's attention and made him quietly think, _If you press hard enough, he'd kill himself._

Goku was the only person he had ever lacked that thought about. And he hated the brat for it. He hated him for it because it unsettled his view on people in general.

When the first glimmer of twilight had shown in the horizon, Sanzo had heard an audible hitch of breath. The quality had been different from someone shifting in their sleep; frightened, in a way. Without looking, Sanzo had known who it was, and had done nothing but draw his first cigarette of the day.

When the sound wasn't repeated, and when no other noise was made aside from a faint scratching, Sanzo had given in and looked. At first he had been skeptical and had to move closer. No way was Goku's face really just beginning to turn blue; it had to be a trick of the morning light. Even then he had known he was lying to himself—and the lack of movement from the boy's chest had been enough to decide him. Wordlessly, he had grasped Goku's shoulder and given him a violent shake.

Now his charge stared up at him, the terror in his eyes bleeding out into something akin to bleakness. Sanzo couldn't quite place why or how, or even exactly _what_. All he knew was that something had died in Goku in less than an instant.

Sanzo let go of his shoulder. He expected the boy to say something, if only to ask why, but his expectations were not met. The boy just closed his eyes, ran a dirt-smudged hand through his hair, and let out a heavy sigh. Acceptance, thought Sanzo. Of what, he didn't know, but that was what Goku's actions signified.

He moved back to his original spot. Any other day he would have ordered his charge to stay awake, to tell him they would be moving on anyway, but this time he did no such thing. In return, Goku did nothing; didn't even remove the hand from his hair, keeping his arm at such an angle that his expression was barely unreadable. The slight tremors shaking the boy's arm were impossible to miss, yet Sanzo pretended he had.

When dawn came, Goku still hadn't said a word. And once again, Sanzo hated him for it.

-

"I have something of a theory."

The words were nothing of surprise, in and of themselves. Hakkai was prone to thinking long and hard and often came up with a solution before anyone else. What really startled Gojyo was that the man had discovered something so quickly. He himself was still attempting to adjust to the situation, to grasp it fully. He was coping far better than Sanzo, at least—better than Goku, even, who didn't seem to understand his own actions. That had only succeeded in frustrating Gojyo further.

Rather than admit to his ignorance, Gojyo said lightly, "Do you now?"

"Somewhat," Hakkai agreed, not once looking up. With the river nearby, nobody had wanted Goku to take on the task of washing clothes—even his own. More than likely, the boy was growing rapidly furious at being babied, but until they figured something out, nobody was – or at least, Gojyo wasn't – willing to let Goku go off on his own. Even with the others around, he wasn't entirely safe, as had been proven in the most recent incident. Still, it was better than nothing.

Gojyo had only gone with Hakkai because he had sensed the man wanted to speak to him of something that couldn't be said in front of their object of concern. That and he was admittedly sick of Sanzo's silence. It was worse than being yelled at and beaten with the infernal paper fan.

"Care to share it with me?"

"Certainly." At first Hakkai said nothing, simply shaking cold water from someone's nightshirt before delicately wringing it. Gojyo tried not to fidget, though it was difficult. If it had been anyone but Hakkai, he would have snapped, but he was slowly learning his lesson. Perhaps five years down the road was rather late, but one eventually learned when and when not to push the man. Gojyo acknowledged he was better than most in that respect, but he also knew Hakkai didn't have as much patience with him as most other people.

That was, surprisingly, actually a good thing. Gojyo thought it might have had significance, perhaps in saying Hakkai wasn't quite as patient with him because he expected more of him... but he wasn't sure, and the issue was never talked about. Everything was left as-is—and it worked out famously.

At last, Hakkai spoke. "I don't believe Goku's actions are entirely his own."

The comment didn't surprise Gojyo was much as it should have. Instead, he just nodded in agreement. He could see where the conclusion came from—if nothing else, at least the hint was in the glazed expression Goku had possessed before both the river and ravine incidents.

However, just because he agreed didn't mean he understood how. "Then whose?"

"I don't know," Hakkai admitted. The confession was almost forced; he clearly hated to let others know when he was utterly powerless. "I wish I did."

When the man moved to wring out yet another article of clothing, Gojyo stopped him by snatching it from his hands. He was met with a reproachful look, but he spoke hurriedly before Hakkai could get a word in edgewise. "Let's leave some wet and cold. Smack the monkey a few times, and maybe he'll be too cold and miserable to have stupid thoughts."

For a moment, he thought his attempt to lighten the mood wasn't going to work. Then, slowly, an almost-genuine smile touched Hakkai's mouth. Without words, he expressed his gratitude. For some reason it reminded Gojyo of the month they had spent together, before he had learned of the man's true – and still unfitting – name.

"Well then, Gojyo, I will leave the task to you," said Hakkai, his tone playfully cordial.

Smirking, the man replied, "And I will carry out said task with the utmost pleasure."

Shaking his head, Hakkai let out a soft, very real chuckle. If only for that second in time, the tension had been alleviated.

-

This time it was not a dream. The strangling sensation felt very real, and no one was there to wake him up. At least, someone was there—he was just choosing to ignore the boy for the time being. And that only made the need for air worse.

He had to escape.

The problem was, Goku knew the instant he chose to move, he was going to be in even more trouble. He would only be ignored so long as he was still and quiet—and he was both, though not exactly quiet of his own volition. His lungs ached. Despite being out in the open, only yards away from the outskirts of the forest, there wasn't enough oxygen. His body was wracked with chills that made his teeth chatter; not loudly, just enough to be noticeable.

He didn't want to be noticed. For the first time in his life, Goku wanted nothing more than to be completely, totally, and utterly alone.

Perhaps, he thought, now was his chance. Looking up, Sanzo appeared to be completely absorbed in his paper—the damned newspaper, the one which, at times, Goku wanted nothing more than to rip to shreds. He only held back because of the end results, which would be Sanzo smacking him until his head throbbed.

Hakuryuu, currently in his vehicle form, was the only other being present.

Staggering, though desperately trying not to, Goku experimentally took a step away from the campsite. Then another. And another.

Sanzo did nothing.

In a burst of anger and panic, Goku bolted. He heard the jeep squeal; alerting others to his escape. But that didn't matter; he wasn't headed in the direction Hakkai and Gojyo had gone off to, and Sanzo had no hopes of matching his speed. Not for the first time, he was immensely grateful for his well-earned power. The fastest of the group, the strongest... for once, it seemed, he had the advantage.

Goku didn't know where he was running to, only that he was going, and that the further away from the others he was, the easier it became to breathe. Now his legs were beginning to burn, his chest heaving, but this time for natural reasons. Nothing was trying to kill him from within anymore. Running was his escape.

Without a care for where he was going, he blindly plowed on.

-

Goku did not understand why he felt so drawn to this area. Dimly, he knew someone was going to berate him for wandering off, especially after the recent weird events. He was also somewhat aware that what he was doing was dangerous, but the closer he drew to his destination, the less important that seemed. Perhaps he really was stupid; lacking of any common sense. But he couldn't sense any danger.

No, what he sensed was a dully aching loneliness. The presence calling him was needful; pleading. He should have just turned back and ignored it, as his master had always taught him to. Really, he should have before, when the same presence had called to him at the river, and from the ravine... even if, until now, he hadn't known he was being called. But when the begging was so desperate, and even gave him the feeling that this was _right_...

He finally stopped in the midst of a small clearing. The woods were thick, heavy with the scent of pine needles and damp earth. Blinking, he surveyed his surroundings. The moss clinging to the bark of the trees seemed homey, in a way. As though this was where he belonged; as though this place was more of his home than the temple in Chang'an had ever been.

One tree amongst all the others stood out. The bark seemed smoother, its trunk wider. Gnarled roots protruded from the ground before burrowing deep below, the base sloping toward the heavens. Grooves accented its outer skin, gentle as lapping ocean waves. The branches were pale and thick, tapering off to points hidden by the star-shaped leaves. A maple tree, he thought, though how he knew this, Goku wasn't sure.

But such a thing was of no importance. All that mattered was that he was finally where he needed to be.

Goku felt soothed. This would be a wonderful place to lie down and rest for a while. Beneath this tree was a large patch of fresh grass that smelled as if no one had ever set foot on it before. It was a very inviting bed, even more so than any of the mattresses he had ever stretched out across.

_Here._

Goku reached out, tracing his fingers over the tree's bark. Smooth even to the touch, as he had thought. The knowledge brought a smile to his face. He closed his eyes, inhaling deeply. The grass beneath him, the essence of the tree, the pine needles surrounding him, the undisturbed soil... it was all pure, all fresh and new and untouched.

And it could all be his.

-

Goku's sudden disappearance was disconcerting. All had agreed it would be best to split up and search. Not even Sanzo had opposed to the idea; not surprising, considering how his charge had brushed possible death several times in the past few days.

Hakkai was especially worried. They'd had no choice but to stop in the forest; it had been either that or continue on foot in the torrent of rain. Against his better judgment, he had agreed to stop and find provisions for the night.

As soon as Goku had left, the looming rain clouds had all but vanished. That had confirmed they were in a worst-case scenario.

Calling for the boy had accomplished nothing. Hakkai was rapidly becoming more frustrated with himself. More importantly, he was concerned for Goku's safety. Hopefully there would be no body of water near him, or a ravine, or anything else he could easily fall into or over and kill himself. Hakkai had no reason to believe Goku was suicidal; he showed no signs of it. And of all people, Hakkai grimly acknowledged that he was the most likely to understand the signals. Something else was happening; something beyond their current understanding.

When he finally stumbled across the boy, it was worse than he had earlier thought. Upon first glance, the scene was innocuous; a peaceful-seeming forest, devoid of animal life and filled with streams of sunshine gleaming through the branches overhead.

But that didn't make what was happening to Goku any less strange or terrifying. The youth had his eyes closed, his head tilted back slightly as though he were enjoying the shade. His hand was pressed to the trunk of the tree—or at least, that was how it appeared. Hakkai was unable to tell, since it was impossible to say where the tree began and Goku ended.

Even as he stared in disbelief, bark was creeping along Goku's flesh. It seemed to melt into him, molding itself to match his shape, and then molding _that_ into an indistinguishable lump of wood. The bark had already reached the boy's elbow. Looking down, even Goku's feet were unsafe. Roots drilled their way into the air, slowly wrapping around the teen's ankles in almost seductive possession.

When Hakkai finally found his voice again, he tried to shout a warning. With it came another voice; deeper, rougher, and with an unusual tone of panic.

"_Goku!_"

Sanzo had found them.


	5. Chapter Four

**: Calling :**

_Gensomaden__ Saiyuki_

Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki. All rights go to Minekura Kazuya.

Rating: T

Warnings: Goku-centric, angst, language

Notes: Constructive criticism and feedback are appreciated.

* * *

Chapter Four

The mission meant nothing to him anymore. Or rather, it may have meant something, but whatever urgency that had trembled beneath the concept was dulled to the point it seemed unimportant. Goku couldn't remember the last time he had felt so free of worries, so at peace, so relaxed... as if he had finally come home.

A resulting murmur of agreement didn't surprise him. There were no words from this new entity, simply feeling. Goku could understand feelings far better anyway; words had never been one of his strong suits. Here, there was nothing to fear. He could stay here forever.

His left arm from the elbow down felt numb, and it was pleasant. He had long ago lost count of how many times he had broken that particular limb; to feel sweet nothing was amazingly comforting. To know that here, he'd never have to feel pain again—that was more than he could ask for.

And the entity whispered across the rim of his thoughts, assuring him that he always could have asked. Anything he wanted, the entity would grant.

The entity. What a crude name for the presence that had become his savior. Goku fumbled for a new name, to christen it something more appropriate. Something to do this wondrous being justice, to make it feel just as appreciated and needed as it was. Something like...

Just as he touched upon the perfect word, pain exploded. It was within him and outside of him at the same time; jolting his fragile hold on the peace he had grasped. Goku screamed.

-

Sanzo knew he was going to severely berate himself later. This always seemed to happen. No matter how much he scolded his charge, reminding him to think before he acted, he always broke his own rule. It was almost as though it were instinct for him to act the moment the brat got himself in trouble.

This time, however, there was one factor to alleviate his to-come self-flagellation. That was simply that what was happening here was the most bizarre thing they had ever come across, and complex thinking was hardly going to help them against powers they neither knew nor understood.

He wasn't aware of shouting, but dimly knew he must have. To call out—that, too, was an instinct he wished to be rid of. However, Sanzo was fully conscious of reaching into his robes and withdrawing his gun. A mere second later, he held his aim and fired.

Goku's scream came as a nasty shock. It wasn't a normal scream, filled with anger or pain or hatred. The pain was there, certainly, but with it came a resounding note of sheer emotional agony. That was the only thing which kept Sanzo from pulling the trigger a second time.

"Sanzo."

Strange, how he hadn't even registered Hakkai's presence until the man spoke. Utter desperation underlined his name, as well as a warning, but it was unnecessary. Sanzo already knew. Without lowering his gun, but relaxing his hold on the trigger, the priest took a second look at the situation. Even as he observed, the tree was melting into Goku—or perhaps, more correctly, Goku was melting into _it_. The sight was too unreal, yet at the same time made perfect sense. However, as Sanzo couldn't put into words _how_ it made sense, he didn't try to think any further on it.

Instead, he heard himself saying in a low, flat voice, "So this is how it is."

"We can't hurt one without harming the other," Hakkai said. Again, unnecessary, but Sanzo did nothing to stop him, understanding the edge of panic to the man's voice.

He began to ask a question, but in the middle abruptly turned it into a statement. "He wasn't in any pain before I came."

The answering silence rang with _'No.'_

Goku was no longer screaming, though his breathing was loud and uneven. The hand not one with the tree was clawing at the bark, a look of stark terror in his face. His lips moved, but no sound came forth. Sweat trickled down the side of his face, thick and fast, almost like tears.

With a start, Sanzo realized it wasn't sweat at all. Fascinated despite his anxiety, he only dimly heard the loud curse that signified Gojyo had found them as well. This little detail was stranger than what the tree was doing with his charge's limb; odder and more out of place than anything. When Goku normally cried, it came flooding out in torrents. He usually screamed, yelled, somehow used his vocal cords to the brink of tearing his voice to useless shreds. But slow, small tears... it was too strange.

"Stop it."

The boy's whispers were finally audible; his voice trembled with emotion Sanzo recognized but didn't want to place. He wanted to look away but did not. He couldn't.

"Stop it..." Sheer desperation added a pathetic plea to Goku's cry. "Gods, Mother, let go. Please let go."

-

_Mother._

The simple utterance left Gojyo speechless; rooted to the spot, as though the earth had somehow attempted to make part of _him_ one with the land. He couldn't even make a sound to let the others know he had come. All he could do was stare—and feel his heart wrench agonizingly. For a brief moment, he hated Goku for reminding him...

The instance passed, and all he felt was... nothing. Gojyo was numb, cold with the lack of feeling without even realizing he was cold. It was a fact; something he couldn't prove because he couldn't sense the frigidity. He just knew.

With that one word, everything had been explained. Anyone who knew of Goku's past – what anyone _could_ know of an amnesiac, anyway – would have understood. And he did. Though he couldn't see their faces from his position, he knew Sanzo and Hakkai were struck dumb with the same realization.

Mother.

Without being told, he understood. Goku's actions had not been attempted suicide; rather, he had been influenced. It explained why his eyes had looked so blank and strange; glassy, distant, and so unlike him. It explained why the boy had mistaken reality for dreams. It explained his supposed uncharacteristic recklessness. Most importantly, it explained why, for the first time in his life, Goku had seemed to have so little regard for his own life.

Because he was the earth's child.

Gojyo would have much rather dealt with a demon; any demon, even Gyuumaoh. At least with a demon he knew where he stood—and if it was below that demon, he knew how to fight his way to stand above him.

But for the first time since his childhood, Gojyo felt as though he hadn't reason enough to stand. Hell, suddenly his entire _existence_ seemed flimsy and unimportant. When up against the power of Nature, the Creator of any and everything – possibly even the gods – what chance did he have?

Gojyo dimly wondered of Hakkai and Sanzo were feeling the same way.

"So what's the plan?" The sound of his own voice, strangely calm and cool, mildly surprised him. Gojyo hadn't even realized he was moving to stand beside the others; but he must have. From his peripheral vision, he saw Sanzo and Hakkai give him startled looks. Without acknowledging them, he spoke again. "We can't just _leave_ the monkey here. If we let this go on, we'll be out one mah-jongg player. Not to mention, I need someone to wrestle with," he added absently.

It was a strange sensation to feel so level-headed, especially with the unreal in front of him. But a part of him understood... more than understood. He could empathize, at least a little.

The pull of a mother was very strong.

"There is no plan," Hakkai said. His voice was strained, but he sounded more rational than he had seconds ago. "However, it seems we have a better understanding of what we're dealing with."

"Kid never was a normal demon, even by our standards," Gojyo agreed. Panic threatened to rise, but he clamped down on it.

At first Sanzo said nothing. When the pause turned into silence, Gojyo was certain he wasn't going to. As he inhaled to speak again, Sanzo abruptly beat him to the punch. "Goku has to get himself out of this."

Bewildered, Gojyo shot the man a look. Sanzo didn't return the favor, his lips compressed into a tight line as he stared coldly at the sight before them. He was clearly angry, but this level of it simply turned the emotion into concern. Thinly veiled, but apparent even so.

Still, that didn't mean he was all right with the man's plan of action. "Look," he began.

"_You_ look," Sanzo cut in. "Attacking it hurt him. We can always risk a hands-on approach, but if Goku can fall under that kind of spell..."

His voice trailed off, but there was no need to finish it. At first Gojyo was simply doubtful (and irritated, because he didn't see how letting Goku deal with it was any better then letting him jump over the cliff) but it didn't take long for the meaning to sink in. Despite his age, and despite his amnesia – or perhaps even because of it – Goku was easily the strongest of the group. He had all his companions beat in emotional stability by a long shot, surpassed their physical strengths easily, and while he wasn't to be trusted with tactics, he had proven every so often that he could pick himself up from defeat faster than any of them.

Goku was insanely strong. It wasn't funny, but Gojyo had the wild urge to laugh. He wanted to say Look, this isn't how it works; we have to _fight_ the bastard, because fighting had gotten them out of all their scrapes before, fighting and thinking.

But before he could open his mouth to let the words tumble, Goku had taken the reigns of his problem and was beginning to tug.

-

Overwhelmed. For what seemed like hours, that was the only sensation Goku could discern. At moments he thought he'd caught fleeting guilt, a horrible pressing weight of sadness, trickles of envy, a spurt of hatred. But if he had, all were gone in the simple feeling of being outmatched. This presence – his mother – knew of sadness that cut so deep, no mortal wound could compare.

It was this sensation that almost convinced him to give in. He didn't want Her hurt any longer...

Yet it was the very same sensation that made him realize he could fight his way free. He could give in, and probably should have, but that wouldn't have been right; it wouldn't have _felt_ right.

But his mother was afraid of hurting him, and he could use that against Her. And all he had to do was slip into the comfortable glove of his childish nature and play out the role of a victim as best he knew how.

Goku sucked in a sharp breath, before letting it flow out in a hiss. He cringed, finally giving in to his fear and allowing his body to tremble noticeably. If his mother mistook it for pain, all the better.

That was his goal.

"Mother," he choked out in a thin voice. His knees felt weak—were they truly weak, or was he getting too far into his act? No matter, he thought distantly. For now...

"Mother," he tried again, his teeth clenched in agony. "This... it hurts."

And She hesitated. Though he knew very well he had no feeling in his limbs, that even his legs were beginning to go numb, he was still Her child. She was inclined to believe him, and Her determination wavered. The pure sense of being overwhelmed began to ebb, and in its place he there was a montage of uncertainty, doubt, and a new type of fear.

But though She had paused, She had not yet relinquished Her hold on him. Inhaling shakily, Goku knew he'd have to do better. To be more convincing. But how...?

It was more out of panic than anything else that he felt the stinging in his eyes. The very idea of being stuck to this damn thing frightened him more than he would have thought possible. But to imagine being trapped in place, with his arm melting into the tree and his feet bound for _eternity_...

He would rather die. And he didn't want that, either.

"Mother," he whispered. Fear and anger shook his voice; overwhelming emotion as multiple as various shades of color gathered into painful tears that coursed down his face. Once he started, he was unable to control it. "Mother, it _hurts._ Let go!"

He felt indecision. And then he knew.

"If you don't let go..." His voice rose rapidly, and try as he might, Goku was unable to control it. He was afraid of hurting Her, knew She was already hurting now, but the overwhelming _terror_ his dark imagination fed him was a far stronger force than Her emotions. "If you take me away now, I'll _hate_ you!"

Blankness. All the uncertainty that had been emanating from Her had vanished in an instant. Faced with this threat, She seemed unsure of how She was supposed to act.

Then there was anger, fury that came in a white-hot rush of heated pain, worse than what had happened to jolt him back to his current awareness. Where his arm had been numb before, Goku now felt the agonizing sensation of bones grinding. Within the bark, he could feel his flesh ripping. Pain tore into and through his nerves, jolting so many signals to his brain that he couldn't hear his own screams. All sense but touch had been blocked out. His Mother's rage poured into him, and for what seemed like forever, Goku was certain she was going to tear him apart completely.

He never had the chance to see how it ended. Eventually the agony became too much, even for him, and Goku blacked out.


	6. Chapter Five

**: Calling :**

_Gensomaden__ Saiyuki_

Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki. All rights go to Minekura Kazuya.

Rating: T

Warnings: Goku-centric, strong language, some blood, angst

Notes: Final chapter. Thank you for all the constructive commentary thus far, especially with that last chapter.

Constructive criticism and feedback is appreciated.

* * *

Chapter Five

Six hours. He'd spent six hours cramped uncomfortably in the backseat, his legs and arm falling asleep due to the weight pressing down on them. Six hours of enduring complete and utter silence.

Gojyo had thought he would go insane.

He wasn't sure he liked the situation much better now. The quiet was there again, but this time reeling with unspoken words. Anger, confusion, and fear coiled in the air, almost visible. Most of it seemed centered around one person.

Given the strange twists and turns this escapade had taken, Gojyo was surprised it wasn't around Sanzo. Rather, the sheer absence of emotion was what seemed out of place. Blank, yet somehow angry. Disgusted in his apathy.

Goku seemed to have sensed it as well, because he wouldn't look his master in the eye. Nor anywhere else, for that matter; his gaze was diverted, fixated on the clenched hands on his lap. Beads of sweat dampened his temples, slipping one by one down the sharp angle of his cheek. The sight was disturbing, as the sweat reminded Gojyo of the frightened and agonized tears the boy had shed just days before.

Gojyo still felt the kink in his back. He stretched to work it out, and that movement broke the deceiving calm.

"We're almost a week behind schedule," Sanzo stated. His voice was as flat as the emotion on his face. Goku said nothing. "A whole week," the man repeated, only the narrowing of his eyes giving any evidence as to how he felt.

"I heard you the first time," Goku muttered. Almost inaudibly.

"Good. I don't want to repeat myself," Sanzo said. The tautness in his hands seemed to agree with him; as though he'd rather beat it into Goku than sit there calmly, talking. Suddenly, Gojyo was glad Hakkai had suggested this. As much as he wanted to strangle Goku for throwing them all into such chaos, he had also come to terms with the fact it wasn't entirely the kid's fault.

Golden eyes flickered his way, seeking help. Gojyo shook his head. He didn't dare speak; not yet.

Reluctantly, Goku looked back down at his lap.

"All I want to know," Sanzo said, his voice too even, "is what the hell you were thinking."

Goku clutched at his thighs through the material of his pajama shorts. His knuckles pressed against his skin until there was nothing but white, the muscles on his arms contracting briefly. Through his teeth, he said, "It wasn't my fault."

"I already got that," Sanzo said impatiently. He appeared unable to sit still any longer, and stood. He began pacing before realizing what he was doing. Scowling, likely in self-disgust, he instead moved toward the window and sought his pack of cigarettes. Gojyo's fingers twitched in longing for nicotine as well, but he folded his arms to hide it.

Goku sounded miserably frustrated. "Then what d'you want me to say?"

"I'm trying to figure out," Sanzo snarled, clearly unable to find his pack. "Why you _didn't_ think."

When the boy looked about ready to explode, Hakkai cut in. Gently, he said, "Goku, listen. While you were unconscious, we were simply talking, and we had a hard time understanding why _you_ would give in to this."

"_They_ didn't get it," Gojyo said abruptly, earning two startled looks and a scowl. "I understand it just fine."

His simple admission was like a tranquilizer. The trembling in Goku's body faded, and he almost slumped in his chair with relief. It was all right, they knew, and Gojyo realized that for the first time, they were utterly connected. For once, Goku could almost empathize with Gojyo's own past.

Different situations, similar entities and emotions behind it. Yeah, Gojyo understood all right. And he also understood what sort of torment the boy was going through at the moment.

"Fine," Sanzo finally said. "He understands. Hakkai and I know the reasons, but we don't empathize." He shot Gojyo a dark look. "Satisfied?"

"Immensely," Gojyo muttered.

Ignoring both of them, Hakkai said, "Compared to the rest of us, you're rather strong—"

"Well, yeah," Goku interrupted, eyes widening. "I always beat you guys when we kill demons. An' we all know I saved their—"

"Mentally and emotionally," Hakkai said hastily, as though sensing an unwanted fight. Gojyo silently commended him, though now he really wanted to know if Goku had seriously been about to say he'd saved them – well, him and Sanzo – on more than one occasion. Not that he would have put it that way...

Now Goku was more confused than surprised. "What?"

The three older men exchanged glances; Hakkai looking somewhat helpless, Sanzo annoyed, and Gojyo knew his expression told he was caught somewhere in between. Damn it. He was beginning to rethink the idea that talking was a good concept at the moment.

"Hey," Gojyo said suddenly. "Why'd you listen to her?" When Goku seemed only more baffled, he went on bluntly. "You did whatever damn thing she told you to do, right? You tell me why."

Goku winced. "You know," he said, almost pleadingly. Gojyo knew the feeling; he didn't want to recount his emotions. When he had tried before, they had come out as words, but nothing that formed a sensible thought.

And he _did_ know, but he also wanted to hear it from the boy's own mouth. That itself was sheer selfishness. He felt insanely close to empathy, something similar yet very different than what he had achieved with Hakkai so many years ago, and if he could just _touch_ upon it...

"Forget that," Sanzo said coldly, stepping away from the window. Goku shrank back a little, but finally managed to look toward his master. Not quite at his face, but it was a better achievement than thus far. "I want to know when the hell you stopped living for yourself."

Goku froze entirely.

"_Muichimotsu_," Sanzo reminded him, mercilessly icy. " 'Hold Nothing.' It's not my place to teach it to you, but somehow I had the mistaken idea that you already abided by it."

In a strangely soft voice, Goku whispered as though in prayer, "From the day I was born until the day I die..."

Gojyo remembered this. Hakkai did, also, and Sanzo was watching his charge expectantly. The words that had, in a way, motivated them to take on the journey westward.

Swallowing, Goku finished in a clearer voice, "The only side I'm on is mine."

Not quite Sanzo's law of life, they knew, but damned close. Taking sides with anyone but yourself would cloud your judgment—all four knew this intimately. That was why 'Hold Nothing' had struck Gojyo as such a profound way of life. Hard to believe, really, that the teaching came from a damned religion.

Almost as though his own words had been a spell, Goku's expression cleared. Or rather, the confusion did; he seemed somewhat dazed and thoughtful.

Normally what the boy said next would have made Gojyo worry. Yet for once, he felt an immense wave of relief.

"I think," Goku mumbled, "I have an idea."

-

They were going back to the very last place Sanzo wanted to be. At the moment, anyway; he was sure he could think of several other locations that could make his stomach churn in disgust. But for now, all he cared to worry about was that area in the forest—that damnably peaceful patch of clear ground, with the sloping roots and endlessly stretching branches that had, just days ago, been half-melted into Goku's flesh.

The memory made his skin crawl. But he kept his mouth shut. Goku wasn't a kid anymore.

In all reality, he was relieved to know this. Ever since he had taken the brat in, Sanzo had watched him, criticizing and calculating his every childish move. Not once in over five years had he ever felt the need to protect his charge. That was the whole point—Sanzo didn't _want_ to protect him. He'd never wanted something that would be such a burden, _ever_, not for the past ten years.

Why, then, did it irritate him to see the boy sitting so quietly in the backseat? Why did seeing that solemn, thoughtful expression on his face make Sanzo want to smack it off? He realized he hadn't used the paper fan on Goku in weeks. Now, suddenly, his fingers twitched for it.

Maybe, just maybe, that little voice in the darkest corner of his mind was right. Perhaps that nagging whisper had a point.

While Sanzo didn't want to protect him, that didn't mean he wanted Goku to change.

For the first time he could remember, Sanzo gave the boy a sound smack for no logical reason whatsoever.

-

Goku was still nursing the fresh welt on his head when the jeep pulled to a stop. He had no idea _what_ he had done to deserve it, and Sanzo hadn't said a word or even budged since. Even worse, Gojyo had actually snickered. At least Hakkai had _tried_ to suppress his smile, if the twitching in his lips had been any indicator.

Though, in a way, that uncalled for strike had done something to calm him. Being hit with the paper fan was a routine he had become used to, however much he hated it. It was almost like a lifeline; a flicker of sanity in his unbalanced world.

He could always count on Sanzo for that.

The familiarity of the touch made him reluctant to get out of the vehicle. Goku began to stand, and then hesitated. He was risking his life being here—coming back to talk to his Mother. Normally he wasn't afraid to do so, but this case was different. Here, he wasn't battling a challenging opponent: he was up against the force that had given him birth, the entity which seemed more than capable of stopping his breath on a whim. Though She hadn't so far, Goku had not lived with Sanzo for so long without learning some caution.

A sudden nudge in the back of his knee made him start. Before he had the chance to turn and retaliate with a kick, Gojyo's quiet voice reached his ears.

"Hurry up, monkey. We're not going anywhere."

It was more comforting than Goku would have thought. His hesitancy banished, he leapt from the jeep and strode toward the tree. Just as he remembered it—tall and thick, though this time he recognized the power thrumming from the bark as though alive, ready to devour. Goku's reaction to the power was much like when an average person gazed at the night sky—realizing how small he was, how insignificant in the width of the universe. In the greater picture, the greatest picture of them all, even he was nothing but a thread in the tapestry.

When he was within a yard of the tree, branches began to shake. This was not fear, he knew, but a combination of hurt and anger. The branches began to lash out at the air, some narrowly missing the boy, others striking at the sky like wooden lightning. Goku flinched, taking a step back. When he realized what he was doing, he halted.

"Mother, _stop it_."

He hated that his voice trembled; hated how weak and pathetic he sounded. At the same time, he felt the familiar yet still-strange sensation of empathy—a sudden burst of emotions; all, he knew, what his Mother was feeling. Goku's chest ached. He wanted to cave in. He wanted to embrace his Mother and give her everything she desired of him.

But he remembered _Muichimotsu_ and stood his ground.

His decision only seemed to infuriate Her further. With a desolate howl of wind, the branches thrashed as though in agony. The tips of three struck Goku; once on his shoulder, twice to his face. One hit his coronet, and for a split second he wildly believed She had shattered it. When nothing happened – no explosion of pain from within, no strange flashes of familiar yet alien faces flashed behind his eyes – Goku cautiously touched his bleeding cheek. Three fingers came away with smears of blood.

He had sustained worse. Compared to his body being impaled by beads, this was nothing. He braced himself against the attack.

He was proud when, this time, his voice came out fierce and demanding. "Cut it out already!" Strong, like his companions. "That hurts and you know it!" Like Sanzo.

The ferocity of the storm didn't die, but the wind did settle. Without thinking, Goku glanced over his shoulder. After scrutiny, he was satisfied that the jeep hadn't blown away—or more importantly, abandoned him. Three pairs of eyes returned his gaze; one patient and quietly anxious, another irritated, and a final reassuring. Goku had to look twice to make sure the final was truly Gojyo.

Anger was already welling again. Goku immediately diverted his eyes, returning his attention to Her. He had to settle this for good.

Or at the very least, buy himself time. Prolong the inevitable.

He stepped closer; speaking in what he hoped was a normal tone. "Why're you doing this?" A branch lashed out in response, aiming for his eyes—but he caught it. The force rendered his palm raw, but he held on.

"Just _listen_ to me!" Too late he realized he sounded as though he were throwing a tantrum, but he was unstoppable now.

Even so, he had the sense to lower his voice. Only She could hear him now. "Mother, _please_..." He trailed off, uncertain, but felt the pause in her wrath. For the moment, it was safe to speak—she was curious. "Please," he repeated, his voice almost a whisper. Perhaps manners would help him. "I... I can't go back to you yet." It hurt to speak like this, to talk as though one day he could.

But...

"We're on a mission. I know it looks like I'm always messin' around with Gojyo and stuff, but we _are_. We gotta do this, Mother, 'cause..." Goku inhaled deeply, his nerves rattled. "Because if we don't, the people we're gonna beat up, they're gonna... they're gonna do this _thing_. It's just a huge monster, and if we don't stop them, they'll hurt _you_." He faltered; this was a subject he didn't care to think about. He was happier without contemplating the future, living only for the day he was in. But now he had to, in order to explain.

"They'll hurt you," he repeated, his voice almost inaudible to even his ears. But he knew She heard. "And everything and everyone living on you. Not everyone's bad, Mother. Hakkai's real nice," he poured out in a rush, his breath coming in even faster. She was tensing, but he refused to let Her interrupt. "Gojyo's a jerk, but he's better'n you think, and Sanzo... he's Sanzo. He's really not bad. We're not _bad_, Mother."

Skepticism. She wasn't thoroughly convinced, but he could sense Her trust strengthening, even as Her doubt wavered. Though She had terrified him before, injured him, put him through agony he hadn't imagined possible—Goku still felt a warm rush of gratitude.

_Muichimotsu_. He remembered and tried to shake the feeling, but was unsuccessful.

Swallowing audibly, he said, "After that. I swear, after we... after..." Saying it aloud ached to even contemplate, so he forced himself to resort to silent words. _After that, I'll come back if you want me to. I won't leave you alone forever, Mother._

She didn't respond instantly, but nor did She feel cold to him. She, too, had to ponder.

At last, the branch in Goku's grasp went limp, and then stiff—back to the branch it had been before She had taken control of it. Solid wood. Absent of Her presence.

Goku had won Her consent.

He couldn't feel happy about it.

-

It was difficult to describe exactly what changed. The air shifted, molecules seemed to rearrange themselves, the atmosphere just _lifted_; the scenery all but went back to the way it had been, even though it looked almost exactly the same.

In a rare moment like this, Hakkai condemned his _chi_-sensing abilities. There were times those abilities interfered with his natural senses.

He did not, however, condemn his perception. When Goku finally turned back to them, waving and grinning, Hakkai knew it was off. He was the master of masks—he knew a fake from a real smile. Goku always wore a genuine smile. Not now. It was hollow and lifeless, even if his eyes grinned with his lips, and he bragged proudly of how he convinced the entity he called "Mother" to leave him alone.

Even if Hakkai hadn't been able to read smiles just so, he still would have known something was off. Sanzo's entire expression was utterly closed off; cold and silently seething.

Shooting the man a worried glance from the corner of his eye, Hakkai wondered, _Did he hear something Gojyo and I could not?_

But if Sanzo knew why Goku's cheer was so forced, he chose not to speak of it.

"Shut up and get in," the priest finally snapped. "We have a long way to go, and this distraction was more than enough, _thank you_."

"All _right_ already," Goku grumbled, using his knee to hoist himself into the backseat. "Hey, Gojyo, move your legs!"

"You left, monkey. The space is mine."

"You startin' something, you bastard!"

"Only to finish it, brat!"

The distraction welcome, Hakkai started the engine, but didn't drive. Quietly, he inquired, "Sanzo?"

When he glanced the man's way, he was given a cool stare in return. Rather than answer, Sanzo stated simply, "You're not driving."

Had he been anyone else with even a notch less control, Hakkai would have struck Sanzo then. Whether with well-placed words or his fist, he wasn't sure, but he kept both under control. Plastering an empty smile of his own to his face, he said lightly, "Indeed, I'm not. I'll remedy that."

Perhaps he realized just how close he had come, for Sanzo looked away. "You do that," he muttered. For once, he didn't seem perturbed by the continuous squabbling in the backseat—or perhaps, considering recent events, he found the arguing calming.

The tension remained coiled in his shoulders.

Hakkai could do nothing about it. All he could do was drive westward; continue their perilous journey into an unknown which threatened to be even more terrifying than even this encounter.

And because they were men who attracted trouble simply by breathing, he saw no harm in doing so.

**: the end :**


End file.
